At the Bus Stop

So I've come to develop a ridiculous question... do men wait, as women do? Or aren't we supposed to be the ones pursuing, being the ones that women wait for? Because if we all wait nothing could happen... everything becomes idle. Some can wait at the bus stop, others will call a cab, and some prefer to save up and buy their own means of transportation. There's all these women, but I always want the ones that are unattainable. Women that are complicated, involved, or are just a previous chapter in my life. When a book is good, some might want to re-read it.

nobody is perfect. everyone does their part of fucked up shit and childish mistakes. i'm known to do foul shit like that, but lately i've felt like a new person. i've reflected on the shit i've done, the hurt i've caused, and the pain i've endured. i've come out to become a better individual. i've lost some of the greatest parts of my life in the process. but that's the beauty of learning. so that next time around, i don't fuck up. i've also chose a career path to go down which took a lot of thought. through the years i felt as if i was playing it by ear, choosing whatever path seeemed right. now i got a map.

ain't nothing colder than a shoulder in december.

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These last few weeks have been so distasteful. Wondering when life will throw me something sweet.

PURSUIT of Happiness.

Like how Will Smith put it into perspective, the pursuit of happiness. Will I ever attain it? Or will I just continue to participate in the ongoing pursuit of everyone's ultimate desire. I hope that we all know to not sweat the bumps in the road, but to just keep pushing towards the destination.

Want/Need

For the most part the days have become easier. But most days I have that feeling where I just miss having a woman. I can't determine whether or not it's a want or a need. Hah I just miss late night phone conversations, good morning/night texts, all that shit. And I always seem to want what I can't have.

Shadows in the Sunshine

Even when things are going good, there's always something wrong parallel with it. I got all these hopes but should I keep pushing for what I want or should I just stand down. I can't even sketch an idea of what's going on.

Sunrise

The storm has been weathered. The pain has been chewed up and spat out. My days have gotten easier and my attention has shifted into other parts yet in the same area. Completely unexpected and not fully understood just yet. Don't know if I'm the only person feeling the way I'm feeling or what, haha too timid to ask. Too soon to tell. So I'm gonna let time do it's thang.

Another Day

It's just another day. She wants nothing to do with me. What can I say to that? I guess nothing. She's gone too deep with dude...who's just a fake ass sucka all around...but if she wants to make that mistake I'm not gonna hold her. It's so hard because her being there as a friend to talk to on a daily basis really helped me out. Now as I have to deal cold turkey from this woman, I have to learn to be alone again. I have to surround myself with the people that love me the most. I can't do nothing about it but continue to better myself and my life. I'm never going to stop loving her. And if my first love, my world decides to come back...it will be another day.

Hope x Patience

Things have taken a slight turn. She says she still feels the same way, but I got a feeling that I need to keep fighting for what I want. I'm not saying it's gonna happen overnight, but I'm willing to put up a fight for Love. Patience is a virtue, time won't hurt you, it can only heal. But I hope she comes to her senses.

Breakdown

I think I've just reached that point. I have all these emotions put into one. I'm angered, heartbroken, lost, lonely, and disappointed in myself. I want to hate her cause I'm letting all my emotion out. But I still love her so much. And people are so fake acting like they'll be there for me and they'll congratulate her on leaving me. So fake. I honestly feel like my fucking walls are closing in on me. I feel so weak for feeling like this. And I pray to God asking for some help every night.

Song On Repeat

I didn't show up for class today. I can't just sit in class with her, knowing she's not mine. That she doesn't love me. The only thing constant is change. But how constant? It's been almost a month. The pain has settled in. Embedded in my heart and mind. I have had to endure this on a daily basis. And it just won't stop. I keep running back through the events that occurred. It's like a sad song on repeat. I can't erase the pain so I'm just trying to put it under my pillow. Sleep has been the only thing to take my mind off shit. But I still wake every hour, I'm used to just being able to call her whenever I want. Now she ignores my calls...I wish I never fucked up.

Dumb x Dumber x Dumberer

"I wish I could believe in all this crap, I really do. I also wish I could believe in the Easter Bunny, the missile shield and strippers with a heart of gold. Unfortunately I am condemned to see the world as it really is, and love, love is a myth. Love is magical comfort food for the weak and the uneducated." -Connor Mead

Words of a wise man. I've been waking up every morning thinking, "Hey its a new day. Maybe she's come to her senses, maybe she's had a change of heart." By the way she talks to me sometimes I fool myself into thinking that she might still love me. I think I've never been so foolish in my life. And I still love her.

And while your heart is intact, thriving and upbeat. My heart is severed, cold and beating low.

Salt Added

When I think my heart can't break anymore than it already has. More cracks split into what's left of it. It eats at me every moment. Never seeming to ease up on me. & what kills me the most...she doesn't care. She can move on happily with this nigga leaving everything we have behind. I have all my classes with her. As I sit next to her my heart drops endlessly. I feel no desire to carry on with anything. I can't sleep or barely crack a smile. "Can you just leave me alone dude. Get out my business I don't need this right now." How can she get over me like I'm nothing...I've never been so sure of what I want. I would sacrifice anything for a last chance. I can't get myself together. I just want my baby back.

New Day, Same Challenge

Today is just another day. As she continues to move away from us...I move closer to the pain. I've had another sleepless night as I think about the situation every second. I can't even salvage myself right now.

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This dude's got her wrapped around his finger...over me.

Love x Hate

When the pain is reciprocated back on me, I feel what she has gone through all those times I've mistreated her. & I only got a glimpse of it. These last few weeks have been the toughest, most painful weeks of my life. & the twist is, I brought this upon myself. I've admitted my faults. & I've never been more mature about this relationship I lost with her. I'm just always reminded of her with everything that I do or see. She's moved on to the next dude already. Its like, I used to lay in that bed. ME. I spent all this time with her. I loved her. & for her to just take me off the main priorities of her life just hurts me. I just wish I was given that chance. Instead of her trying to seek happiness elsewhere, why can't she just seek it with me. & when I see some shit where she's talking about HIM, & not ME. That gets my blood boiling. My whole body feels hot & my mind just goes blank. Then I'm angry & I don't know what to do about it. & she doesn't even sweat it. I feel most of my successes are based on my high hopes along with my ambition and determination. So I'm hoping...that I'll get that call. "Let's work this out, let's stick together." I know I have friends & shit. But I don't want to tire everyone with the same shit I have on my mind everytime we go out. & there's this girl who said she's my best friend but she's just completely forgotten about me & it sucks. Which is why I decided to publish this blog. & I don't want another woman to fill that void in my heart. If I can't have my woman. I'd just rather learn to be alone & on my own. They say time heals all wounds, they don't say how much time. I just want her to come back.

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God give me strength. Every day is hard.

Relativity

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009: You are tired of showing up with a positive attitude while still being told that you are the negative one. It feels as if others are projecting their fears onto you and you don't want to take it any longer. Regardless of who is in the right, you each need to take a step back from the situation today and allow the other person some breathing room. Once the dust settles, you can always choose to try for resolution again.

Just when I think I'm good...reality sets in. But I got this best friend. She's dope.

Woman

They come, they go. Almost impossible for me to accept, but in the end I must forfeit. But I don't try to forget the fact that one woman in particular has had a major impact on my life. I've wronged her; multiple times. I've taken for granted one of the three great ones. But cherish every moment, because in the end all you're gonna have is your recollection of memories. That's the only thing you're gonna leave this world with. Dudes, if you got a real woman; hold onto her. Because everyone has their limits. And I pushed her to her limit, to the point of no return. I FUCKED UP. But I'm going to take these last five years, soak it all in, and learn from it. I'm gonna pick up the pieces and salvage my heart. So personally I'd like to thank YOU. For being one of the biggest contributors on my steps to being a better person. I'll be good son. And if you ever need anything, I got you. We may not be together, but you are undeniably, my closest friend.

Horoscopes

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

Sunday, September 13, 2009: It's a day of complicated relationship issues as you try to untangle your feelings from the pile. You know that you must set new boundaries, but you don't want to close yourself off from the potential that others bring at this time. Although you might not be overly effusive today, don't be afraid of telling others how you feel. You may be pleasantly surprised by what happens next.

Whoever orchestrated the horoscope was high...boom.

Cudi Cmon

Album artwork is ill. Although it has already been leaked I'm still gonna cop.

The Best Things In Life Are...FREE

Support good music. My man Gameboy is on the rise.

Shucks

In a rut. Just a total disappointment in my life right now. I wonder what the kids who were born with a silver spoon in their mouth go through. I know my shit don't suck as bad as any other muthafucka who's got it bad. But we all got shit on our plate. Started off on the wrong foot. I just gotta tie my shoe and get the fuck up. And how in blue blazers did Sacha Baron Cohen sweep Isla Fisher off her feet? Dude must got a Swiffer broom or some shit. Her accent is right off the spoon though (now that's dope).

Ketchup

I now watch 'Weeds' and I am indeed, addicted. Zooey Deschanel is hot in a weird kinna way. You stay classy, planet earth.

Think Good Thoughts

I'm broke yeah that's right I don't got money, I do music 'cause tellin' the truth don't cost nothin' for me
-Joe Nathan

So it's like.

Slumdog Millionaire

Instantly fell in love with Freida Pinto.

Comeback Season

I like to have people derive their own words through the photographs. Hawaii was dope. I've done some serious soul-searching. I've spoken numerous times with family about my life and life in general. Man, if y'all seen the views of the ocean that I've seen before the sunset. Only one word would come to mind, amity. Coming home was a bittersweet scene. but it's good to be home baybeh! Back to reality.

So it's like...

Lacoste Crocodile Mythologies Collection Part 3

Where to Now

Aside from my interest in fashion & women. *laughs I am a man of simple taste. I'm what some would call a thinker. An optimist. Family oriented and I can listen. Or if you would like I could talk, for days. But I shall toss some more knowledge and my eye pleasing fashion (to me at least) when I can. My plane for Hawaii leaves in 4 hours. So it's like...

Supreme x Nike SB Shoes Master Volume 11

Linda Farrow Projects x Damir Doma Wayfarer Sunglasses

Can you say, fresh? Hawaii tomorrow. Typically I don't get excited until I even board the plane, but a 10 day escape from Sacramento is exactly what I need at this point in time.

Reebok "Action Comics" Collection

Say What's Real

"I feel like I need to address this topic of me finding or losing myself as an artist. What people may not understand is that in this industry of hip hop you are either a musician or a product. A product is someone that is boxed in due to the fact that they were created to generate money using a formula that they cannot stray from. A musician is someone who is unafraid to explore and challenge themselves knowing that it has the possibility of being heard by the entire world in a matter of hours. I consider myself a musician and my thoughts and words are my only instruments..."

- Drake

I was introduced to Drake's music in late '07. His lyrical content & undying truth is what inspires me as an artist. The piece he wrote above couldn't have explained the topic any better.

So it's like...

Brand New

& I wanted to start this off by letting readers know that Shannyn Sossamon is my cup of earl grey tea.